barf.

Yesterday, Broadsheet had a post about a hilarious review of Jamie Foxx's new album, Unpredictable, by Slate music critic Jody Rosen. Here's a bit from "The Sexiest Sex Machine":

Ladies, Jamie Foxx is going to make you feel like you never felt before. He is going to work you over. He'll meet you in the bathroom of the club for a freaky episode. He will kiss you right below the navel, then rub you with oil on your ear. There'll be puddles in the bed by the time Foxx gets through with you. Girl, the rain is coming.

I know all this because Foxx says so -- nearly verbatim -- on his new album, Unpredictable, which descended upon record stores just before Christmas in a vaporous cloud of Spanish fly.

More goodness:

Foxx's erotica nearly always degrades into autoerotica. In "Storm (Forecass)," an extended conceit about cunnilingus, he spends the whole song detailing his look ("Got nothing but my T-shirt and boxers on") and technique ("It's cloudy skies, right there between your thighs/ I'm pluckin' for scattered showers, for about an hour"), and you can't help but wonder if Foxx really even wants a partner: Give this guy a ceiling mirror and a vat of baby lotion and he'll be set for the night. The "ladies" deserve someone better.

I think Jamie Foxx should stick to stand-up comedy and acting. It seems that he deserved the Oscar for his portrayal of Ray Charles, from what I saw of Ray, which wasn't much. While Foxx was good, the film started off so bad, I could hardly get through 20 minutes of it. Right from the opening scene, it smacks the audience over the head with 'here's the lesson that little Ray received from his mother' (typical of Hollywood biopics to show us the life lesson learned in childhood), the mother looking right in the camera, telling the audience EXACTLY what the key to Ray's success will be, as long as he takes his saintly mother's wisdom to heart. And so, we must try to make our pea-sized brains keep this in mind, throughout the WHOLE film (but surely there will be some reminders of this lesson throughout).